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  • Writer's pictureLuke Mackie

Death

TW: I will be discussing death, and some details around my experience of my Dad's death.


Memento Mori – Remember you will die.


Death is an inevitable symptom of life. All living creatures that have ever lived have died, or will eventually. Despite the regularity and certainty of it, it is still something that shocks and traumatises us as individuals. This is because death steals away the most valuable thing that we have – our loved ones. If we are dying then we face the prospect of never experiencing all of those human experiences again; hot meals at the dinner table, laughing together, in-jokes. If we are the loved ones of the ones dying then it is the same; the person we loved is suddenly erased from our lives in a moment.


My Dad died suddenly in 2012. This was one of the key moments in my life that entrenched my atheism. This seems counter-intuitive on the surface, as most people turn to God and religion when loved ones die; to fulfil a comforting role that was previously unnecessary. I felt the pull of that comfort from religion, but knew that if I embraced it I would be doing so from a dishonest place. I did not truly believe in Heaven, or souls, or any metaphysical representation of the essence of an individual once they died. I did not believe a God existed, and therefore what comfort would I truly be finding?


Despite this, I struggled. I struggled a lot.


When we are exposed to so much information about afterlives, ghosts, souls, deities, and mediums, it makes it really difficult to consolidate the concept that someone just does not exist anymore; that their experiences, thoughts, personality, and mind are gone. Society does little to offer alternatives to people who experience this feeling, and online atheists are not eager to have these more “mundane” conversations. It creates a sense of isolation.



As atheists, I think that our relationship with death needs to become clearer. We need to be working together (regardless of how strong or weak we are in our atheism) to be building a framework that helps people who do not believe in an afterlife cope with death. Community is fundamental when it comes to processing grief, and when everyone around you is saying ‘they’re probably in a better place’ or ‘they’re looking down on you and are proud’ or ‘they’re having beers with their family and will be waiting for you when you pass’ it is not helpful. When these things were said to me I was never rude, but it hurt me. To me, my Dad has gone. He no longer existed in any meaningful capacity, and when people were telling me he was somewhere else it felt like false promises. It perpetuated my trauma. If I had had likeminded people around me, approaching things from a place of mutual understanding about what we did and did not believe, then perhaps I would have been able to consolidate my trauma a lot earlier. Perhaps.


I cannot turn back the clock, and I cannot know that anything would have been different, but I feel that I have learned a lot about myself in the past 9 years. I have learned a lot about my view of death.


People are here for a finite amount of time, so making the most of that time is integral. It is not morbid to accept that death is inevitable for you and those around you, but this very thing can lead you to make more meaningful choices. Here are a few of the lessons I have learnt that may help atheists cope with the prospect, and the experience of death:

  • Enjoy every moment you have with those around you, let the little things go, and soak in the moments you have together. This is harder than it sounds as you have to be in a constant state of awareness about this, but practicing will turn it into a habit·

  • Do not be a robot! Complete “rationality” is a carrot on a stick. You are human – allow yourself to feel awe, beauty, wonder, fear, sadness. By shutting emotions down you are suppressing them and this will only build resentment for yourself or others.

  • Allow yourself to feel a sense of ‘spirituality’. This is a controversial word in the atheist community, but it does not always need to have supernatural connotations. Feeling connected to those around you, your environment etc. will take that isolated feeling away. Find something you connect to naturally and embrace it.

  • Chatting to your dead loved ones is not silly. It can feel incredibly silly when you want to talk to loved ones who are dead, either through a prayer type thing, or at their grave. I have wanted to many times but felt like ‘because my Dad cannot hear it, what’s the point’. The point is that it will actually help. We have very abstract minds, and can formulate how other people would react to things we say. I know what my Dad would say if I asked him a question. Asking it out loud, and having that discussion will help me receive the advice that I would want from him when I need it. Saying it out loud also makes it more real – the thoughts in our head are non-linear and jumbled. Words make those thoughts real and structured. Use them.

  • Don’t rush your grief. Being an atheist usually means attempting to be as rational as possible. Grief does not display itself as rational behaviour, and this can mean that we are confused about why we acted in a certain way. We rush our grieving process because we are adamant to only ever act rationally. It’s ok to be grieving. Allow yourself space to go through that process.

These are not all going to fit everybody, as everyone’s grief style is different. However, utilising these thoughts may help people to develop a sense of compassion for themselves as they go through this process.


However, one thing I want to see is a greater discussion of how death affects us, a greater admission of the implications that believing God does not exist (or even lacking belief a God exists) has on that, and a greater empathy for other atheists who may be going through this. When we are going through the worst time of our lives, the definitions of words will cease to have importance, and the support of our community could mean everything.


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